NOVEMBER
As a new month rolls in I like to reflect on the previous month(s) and acknowledge the ways in which my life was affected / changed. After all, this is the season for change. Life has been a whirlwind of emotions since my birthday in late July 2021 and I have to admit that I have not felt okay. I think it is important to be transparent with the things we deal with and go through as humans. We can connect with each other and grow through our tribulations. It is also nice to know that I am not alone in what I have felt or gone through, so this is me being transparent and open. Death, change, rebirth has ushered my life to my current state and I admit that I have learned some hard lessons in the past 3 months.
In late July a day after my 26th birthday I lost my cat Percy. I was honestly broken and looking back, that truly fucked me up. I wasn't even able to truly enjoy my birthday because I was not in the right state of mind. Losing an animal is so tough. For weeks my household felt eerie and barren, I didn't even want to be home because of the emptiness I felt. My cat lived a great life, he was a rescue cat. He loved litter, kit&kaboodle, and he loved to be outside, he valued his freedom. I tried to keep him in the house as an indoor cat but he was never meant to be encaged. He was a wanderer, an explorer. It really doesn't get easier, grief is ever present, you just learn to work with it. I understand I will have periods of grief and I allow myself to feel that and cry when I need to. I will always remember Percy for being the fluffiest and cutest orange cat. Please hold your fur babies close and appreciate them.
A couple weeks later, as I am dealing with my heavy emotions from losing my cat, I was shocked to learn that someone I liked had been deceiving me for a couple months. The feeling of being deceived never sits easy. It is both disgusting and debilitating. To trust someone and begin to open your heart to them is one thing but imagine finding out all of that was a lie and the person you liked was not the person you thought they were. The universe has a great way of showing us exactly what we need when the time is right. After being lied to it's almost like I have to tiptoe through love and life and be super cautious about the people that I let in. I have been working on healing and opening my heart again, it's a process because it's too easy to close myself off or blame myself. Through it all I have to thank the universe for revealing this to me at that time and bless that person, because they need it way more than I think! I definitely will go forward knowing not to ignore the most obvious red flags, to listen to my intuition, take off my rose-colored glasses, and to ask the right questions!!
I have also had a huge shift in my personal relationships + friendships. I lost a few friends that I have known for a couple years. One night and some choice words was all it took. When I reflected on these friendships I realized that I connected with these people at a time in my life that I was finding myself, and the direction I wanted to go in my life. It is unfortunate to lose friends, it sucks honestly. If I can say one thing it is that your friends should know you well enough to know how to respond in a manner which is safe to you, even in anger. Also learned that not everything needs to be addressed and some things are better left deaded. I had to come to terms with the fact that not all friends are meant to stay in my life and people do grow apart. I have learned that it is of the utmost importance to maintain my standards, even with friends and to also hold my friends to a certain standard. I have been treasuring and reconnecting with people I can call my friends. I am much more aware of myself and where I am going and who I want to keep in my circle. I must ask myself and recognize, are my friends going where I am going? Do my friends help me uphold my standards?
**Trigger warning: Suicide
I also want to bring awareness to a sensitive subject. Too many times this world feels like a labyrinth we cannot escape & its easy to feel that there are no options. A young man that I went to elementary school with took his life in September. Rest in paradise to Jon Ivy, a beautiful being who blessed this world with raw art & talent. If you are reading this know that your life is worth it & you are loved. My heart and prayers go out to those who are battling demons and experiencing tribulations in their lives. It is not easy, its a choice we must make everyday to continue on. Please reach out & listen to your loved ones. Cherish the ones you love now, while they’re here. Please seek medical / professional help if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts. Go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org For more information.
Death has been the present theme in my life, physical and not. So it puts me a bit at ease to know that with death comes rebirth and that the phoenix always rises from the ashes! I am using this time to slow down, be patient with myself and take time with my healing + growth. This is a hibernation period that I am in and will come out of it with greater insights and a strong mindset. I am looking forward to this month, one of the luckiest months for me. November please be good to me, to all of us!
xx - J Tui
